Love Languages

Love languages. 

Have you ever given your child a gift that they aren’t grateful for, or spent time with them only to find they didn’t really want to, or given them a hug and found them pushing you away? Well, maybe they experience love in a different way to how you do. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages a few years ago. He says we all experience love in different ways and he describes the ways we experience love as love languages. They are: Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, Physical touch. To find out how you experience love, Gary provides a survey in the books, and on a website http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. Why not try it out and find out each of your family members’ love languages? As with any assessment, there are a range of possibilities and most people will not have one that stands out far above the others, but rather a combination of two or three. It is also good to understand all of the love languages because your spouse and children may be completely different from you

Words of affirmation. This language uses words to affirm other people. Think about positive and negative words from your childhood. What impact did they have, both at the time and over the long term? Have you seen a similar impact in your own kids from words spoken by you or your spouse? How could you make up for negative or angry words? We often assume our children understand our love, even if we don’t always express it. But children are very literal and may need to hear an explicit expression of love from us. Over the next week, every time you feel love, express it as directly as possible to your children. At the end of the week, ask them if they better understand your love for them.

Acts of service. Actions speak louder than words. Some people experience love through acts of service. If one of your family members has this as their main love language, they like it when you take out the rubbish, do the dishes or put out the washing, put stuff away. They probably prefer to have a tidy house and don’t like clutter. It is also good for your children to recognise, or at least appreciate, others who love in this way. Ask yourself these questions. Do your children ever see you serving someone else beyond the family? Take inventory of everything you do for your child. Is it too much? Would your child be better off if you taught him or her some of these things? How do your kids respond when you ask them to perform some act of service? What needs work in this area? Do you as parents “do too much” for your kids? What are some of the things that get in the way of an attitude of service? How can we teach or encourage our children to serve others within the family? What are examples of appropriate acts of service for our children?

Receiving Gifts. For some people, love is conveyed through receiving gifts. The gift doesn’t need to cost much, in fact it could be something made or even flowers from the garden. This one I find the hardest, and yet it is the language of one of my children. It takes a real conscious effort to bring home a gift for her. Think of a gift you received, either as an adult or a child, that really meant a lot to you. Why? What does this tell you about yourself? Think back carefully to a gift you’ve given with mixed motives (be honest). Has there ever been a hint of payback, bribery, or even materialism or personal vanity? Examine the toys you have bought for your children recently, or recreational and entertainment items you gave to your teens. What were the upsides and downsides of each? Within the next month, give a gift to your children that is not tied to a special occasion. Note their responses—and what those responses tell you about their attitudes toward gifts. 

Quality time is about giving the other person your undivided attention. How much quality time—that is, time spent with your child beyond meeting their essential needs—have you given each of your children during the past week? What kind of quality time does each of your children desire? Ask each of them what they enjoy most with you and why it is meaningful. The “tyranny of the urgent” is a serious problem in our (and sometimes our kids’) schedules. Look back over the past month. What got in the way of spending time with your children? How might you take daily or weekly chores or responsibilities on the part of your child and turn them into shared learning experiences? How could you make the most of “car time” or bedtime? Much of our best parenting takes place in quality-time encounters with our kids. Share some special memories, with your children, of intimacy, learning, and sheer enjoyment from these times.

Physical Touch is appropriate touch. Were your parents physically affectionate? What effect does this have on you today? Do you provide enough touch to your children in appropriate circumstances? Why or why not? How could you improve? Where are the boundaries where physical touch might be harmful or excessive for each child? Discuss ways to get involved in “low-key,” age-appropriate forms of physical touch, in addition to the normal hugs and kisses your children need. Identify opportunities to put these other forms of touching into practice. Over the next week increase your physical touch with your children, but make it age-appropriate as well as what fits each child’s unique personality. Determine the effects of this and their response. How can you tell if one of your kids has physical touch as their love language? How do you respond, especially if it isn’t your primary language? Share your own childhood experiences with regard to physical touch, positive or negative. What can you learn from these experiences?

(from The Five Love Languages for Children study guide, www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/free-study-guides/